(905): Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
(609): so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story…what the hell is wrong with me?
(303): I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
(917): ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said “wow you’re just now leavin?”
(480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she’s wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
(512): the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
(310): If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
(650): my vag is singing ‘hurts so good’ by john mellencamp
(646): We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
(631): I hope you’re ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore