(951): yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
(919): I haven’t worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i’ve made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said “pretend i’m your pet dinosaur” so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
(918): it’s like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
(970): He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
(559): yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
(434): well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
(864): you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up…you’re an amazing drunk
(857): Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
(407): Theres a note on my antibiotics that says “Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole.” I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.